My beautiful creature,
I stopped writing these. I stopped because we talk. Every day, every night, in bits and pieces of the day when we can find a minute. I thought it would be ok.
I think I was wrong.
Maybe. It's hard to say. It's hard to find things to say when we're in almost constant communication. And when we're not... I worry. I feel like I can't say this. I worry that you're not OK. I worry that you're unhappy. I worry about what she's saying to you. And what she's not saying, too.
I worry that you get no warmth.
And God you need, you deserve a lot of warmth.
I'm looking forward to Monday. I'm hoping that you'll relax and have fun. I hope that I can contribute to that.
I promised I'll make you food. And I will, if you'll want that. Or I'll pack lunch or something. I don't know. Whatever you want - whatever will make a smile appear on your face. Magnet fishing. Cinema. Walk. Coffee.
Whatever.
I know you don't think so and just take what you can, but you deserve more. You deserve nice things. Good things. Things that make you giggle and smile. Things that make you bouncy and puff up your chest.
(I see that sometimes. When you actually believe in yourself for a split second. And then you start to think. And then you fall back to 'it's no big deal'. And you shouldn't).
Even today... God, you did a truly good thing. For everyone involved. The guy will get the help he needs, the lady is safe, half the fucking zoo is safe and well - because of what you did.
Because of you.
And you just smack it all to the ground. Like it's just another day.
And it might be in your line of work.
But it doesn't diminish the impact you have in people's lives. It doesn't change the fact that everyone is better. Happier. Safe.
So just...
Shhhhh.
Take it in for a second. Allow yourself to feel proud.
Because I am. I am so, so proud of you.
You might think differently, but you are good. Kind. Gentle. You, my darling, are a rare, rare thing, and just don't see it.
But... It's OK. Don't.
I'll force you to look.
And we will have days like this - days where we can't catch a break. Days where we miss each other by a minute. Days where there's just so many people and so much shit that we can't breathe. But you know what - it's ok. We will find time. We will find each other. We will make it work, because there is no other option.
So my darling... When your chin starts dipping down, when everything falls around you - know that I'm here.
I'm there with you, shyly holding your hand.
And somewhere deep down you know it.