My beautiful creature,
Today I understood that you'll learn to hate me.
I promise you will. I do.
With everything that I do... Everything I am inclined, drawn to do... You'll learn to hate me. I think on some level you maybe do. Right now.
And I'm scared. God I don't want you to hate me, but maybe it would be for the best. For both of us. Just learn how to actually hate each other.
But I don't want to do that. However shit it is, however we're killing each other with this... I can't let you go. I can't give you what you want, but I can't let you go either.
And that is so unfair to you.
That is so fucking selfish of me.
Just look at this. How can you not hate me. I'm giving you no hope. No hope. I'm trying to be open. I'm trying to be honest. And you're still there - waiting for me. Waiting for something that might never happen.
I can't have that. I can't torture you like that.
You want to know what I think? I'm scared of that day in April. I'm fucking terrified. That it's going to be so good I won't be able to come back to normal. That it's going to be so terrible that this is going to be over after it. That it's going to happen, and we'll get so lost in it that we'll do something we can't undo and it all will... Just have to crumble.
Even with all that...
I look at you, and you're fucking beautiful. I want to kiss your eyelids to sleep. I want to... Hold you, my dear.
How. Selfish. Of me.
How. Fucking. Selfish.
I worry, you know. When you don't say things, I can see. I worry about you at home, that you don't feel well there. That you're unhappy. I worry about her. That she worries. She doesn't know. She's jealous. I'm fucking angry at her. And then I'm angry at you for letting her be angry and the way she is.
God.
Most of all I'm angry at myself. That I allow myself to daydream. That I allow myself to fall into this, and drag you with me.
I'm not going to leave my dear. The only time I was the one who left... He did things to me. He broke me so irreparably... that it's been years and I'm still trying to heal. And the worst thing is... I don't think I ever will. But it's ok.
I do not leave people, my darling.
People leave me.
And I'm not going away - not any time soon, not for any circumstance, or change of employment, or anything else.
Whatever this ends up being... You have me.
And you know it.
And if you don't...
I love you anyway, dickhead.