My beautiful creature,
It's been a while. Feels like I didn't exactly had time to sit down and think, just breathe, or.. Be. Just by myself. Everyday there's something. Someone. Stuff that I need to do, force myself to do, stuff that's absolutely unnecessary, stuff that I came up with to... Occupy myself? Make me feel like I'm worth something? Be productive?
I know I'm avoiding my thoughts. I'm trying my best to not spend any time with myself whatsoever, because if I do, I become scared of the world, new house, people, work... When all that's actually needed is to stop. Just sit the fuck down. To just let myself do something apart from running or playing some shitty candy crush like brain rot because I'm too tired of running.
This is not good. Nothing is a good excuse for this.
I'm sorry. I'm ranting. Probably because of stress, work, so so many things, from missing you because it just seems like you can keep me tethered to earth.
It might seem soppy and chiché, but I look at you as this pure, honest, truly good thing in my life. That even with all the shit that happened, that you've been dragged through, you managed to maintain that soft, good, beautiful part of what it means to be human. To be true.
And of course you're cringing at some of this. Of course you do. But you know the part I'm talking about. That beautiful little corner that still exists inside you just in the margins of everything else. And maybe I'm idolising you. Maybe I truly am. Maybe we both do that when we think about each other. But... It's there. And we somehow see it.
And... It is magical.
I don't think we understand very well what it is. We don't need to.
But I'm really, really looking forward to seeing you. I'll get to see that little corner again. To caress your face that I miss so much.
My eyes keep looking for you.
My fingers keep checking the phone.
I can only guess that you are... Same-ish.
This is hard. Heartbreaking in a sense.
It's even more heartbreaking that people keep suggesting me to leave. My ex colleague keeps sending me work ads at positions in her new workplace. Even A today told me that his friend is looking for someone in my field of work and maybe I'd like to try.
I can't.
I can't even stomach that thought.
I can do a week. Maybe two.
I can't go anywhere knowing that I will lose this. Even if the work sucks and I know I deserve more. I'm not going. I'm not fucking going.
I know this has upset you. It upsets me. But I guess I just needed to tell you, both what's happening and where I'm going.
Well. Not going. I'm cemented in, dear.
I know things might change. Everything can change in a blink of an eye these days it seems. I'm scared of ww3 starting. Of bombs suddenly starting to fall from the sky. Of somehow losing you.
But for some reason, somehow, whatever happens... I'd still still be close.
We are connected by this thin, silky thread of love and hope. It can and does stretch out for miles and miles, over seas, roads, lakes, brick walls. A soft, beautiful, unbreakable thing.
Whatever happens, my dear.
That soft, beautiful corner of yours will never be empty. I'll bring tea and something sweet (I just did a grocery run for cake supplies). I'll bring that drawing of a stegosaurus. I'll bring condensed milk for your Spanish coffee.
It's just... We have so much to show each other. And I guess that 'so much' is just... The world.
I know this was a difficult read, dear, and I'm sorry. It's just been... Difficult. In general and... Without you.
I'm sorry this is happening to us.
But I'll see you soon. Very, very soon. And those moments have the value of gold.
Not that I like gold. I prefer... String. Copper. Earthy, simple bashed and bruised things. Things that are alive.
But you know what I mean.
Just remember that you live in the cushiest room in my heart, with the handle fixed from within it. You are a green little piglet. A beautiful creature. A stegosaurus of smoke slowly moving towards beautiful, breathtaking mountains.
A bat of the most gorgeous black - the one that's almost iridescent blue in the right light, at the right angle. You just need to look.
Just breathe, my dear.
Remember to breathe through all this.
Remember to see. To smell.
And I'll do that too.
It'll all be OK. It has, it has to.