My beautiful creature,
It's almost midnight and my eyes are heavy and full of sand. My back hurts. I want to smoke, but I'm not allowing myself to. The sofa doesn't fit my tired and splayed out body, wrapped in whatever sweater and pants were at hand when I left the house.
I miss you.
I wanted to hug you today. To kiss you. To... I don't know. Touch your face. Breathe you in. I know we can't keep doing this, this can't go on forever, god I know. I can't hold myself back, though. I had to give you, to myself at least a little something. Even it it's just touching your hand for 10 seconds. Even if it's a quick peck on the cheek. Even if it's just that.
You were right. Today is torture.
I hope your head is better. I hope you're sleeping as I write and then come to find this in the morning. Hopefully not woken up by the growls of your cat, though I know it's unlikely. I'm not expecting much.
All I really want... Is for you to wake up not grumpy. Maybe even with a smile and a giggle, but that's very optimistic of me knowing that we have a week off and we'll be all... Sad.
But let's not do that. Please. Let's just... Not.
I want you... To open your eyes.
I want you to look at things and see the beauty. The softness in the curve of a coffee cup. How your nose reacts to the smell of it. How actually sweet your favourite beast is while napping on your lap. How the cold of the morning tickles your cheeks. How the wind weaves itself in your hair as if it was my fingers. Shapes of the white smoke curling around itself and into imaginary shapes of naked women - because that's how I see it sometimes.
But you don't have to. You can see it as a procession of stegasauruses moving towards the mountain filled horizons. You can breathe in something entirely different.
Just know that when you wake up... Whenever you doubt yourself today, question anything or just feel down... I'm with you, holding your hand. Shushing you for beating yourself up for no reason.
Don't beat yourself up for no reason, darling.
I don't know how I can force you to look, show you what I need you to see. How handsome, how beautiful you are, inside and out. How gentle, and a little bit delightfully wicked, and how absolutely gorgeous. You can't make me not to see all that. You can't make me walk away, even with all your anxieties, fears, doubts and expectations that all this will end.
It might, it will be the day we die. But today is not that day. Neither is tomorrow or the day after that, or yet another after that one. We are here. And we share this - this wonderful, weird, painful, incredible thing. Do not forget that it's both of us. Both longing, and loving, and suffering, and fearing for the worst.
But there is no worst. We won't let it exist.
I will protect you from it as best I can.
My beautiful, wonderful creature... I'm pressing you to my chest.
You are safe.
You are safe.
You are safe.
Now go and smile. The morning awaits.
Make it beautiful.
Make it glorious.
Make it yours.
I know you're rolling your eyes, but you are amazing. So make it just like you - hard, crazy, rough around the edges, with a splash of whiskey and a wink, and yet incredibly sweet and cuddly. You know what I mean. I love it.
Maybe you should try doing that, too?