My beautiful creature,
Today's my country's independence day, and I forgot to mention it to you. It's big. It's important. And I just... Forgot.
But today you had a bad day, and that's a tad more important than that, so I forgive myself for forgetting.
You had a bad day, and all I could think was... Is this because of me? Have I caused this? (I know, how selfish. How self centered. ) How can I make it better? How can I make you happy?
And that's why I told you about the food.
I thought about waiting - just waiting a bit longer. To see how the next month or so goes. How we feel. If this thing won't fall apart in one way or another. I didn't want to mention this because of how far away it is. How torturous the wait might be. Because of how scared I am - to be in one space with you. In a safe, absolutely free space, just us.
I think you're probably scared of it too.
I think we're both scared at the moment.
It's getting more difficult. Harder. Stronger. More and more insane.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't want to repeat all the painful things - real life things - that we both know make this impossible, because it hurts.
And if I'm being honest, fuck that pain. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a child that just wants to watch the world burn for creating all these stupid rules, obstacles, for making it so fucked up and difficult. For not letting me have what I want.
But then I remind myself that I need to calm down.
That there's joy. There's life. Smiles. Happiness.
That you are here, and I'm happy to see you, every day. That you smile, and then I smile, and then we bump our feet and things just... Get better.
Somehow.
And for as long I can bring a smile to you, for as long as I can make you at least a little bit happy... It's enough. It has to be.
I'm writing here less because I'm aware others might be reading this, but also... I cannot deprive you of this. Is this... Weird? Overthinky? Possibly both.
I think we're pretty good at that.
I'll leave it here - for now.
I'll leave it here because I need to replay in my mind our hugs. Your smiles. Your squinty eyes and chuckles. Your smell. All the tiny tiny things that you did, or said, or don't actually keep track of that I find so adorable.
Because you are adorable. You really are. I know you're shaking your head or whatever else, I don't care. I find you adorable. To me you are beautiful. And oh so very hot. So shut the fuck up and just... Take this. I cannot show you what's happening in my heart nor my brain. Words are the only thing that I have. You can take them or leave them, as I have nothing else to give.
But that's the truth.
Why the hell, my dear, would I lie about this?