My beautiful creature,
I started writing this sitting alone, in the unoccupied section of the whole party floor.
I tried writing this in the bathroom stall.
Then in the club. You know which one.
And now I'm finishing this - or actually writing this - on the bus back home. It's 2:36.
I know you probably didn't want me to stay this late. Drink as much as I did.
I think I had like 8 double g&t's, 3 beers and a glass of wine in me. I'm pretty sure one of the tonics was spiked after like 2 spaced out sips, so I put it down, didn't touch it and I'm ok. I really am. And you'll know that because I'll write you a message as soon as I'm in through the door. And I'm and eastern european - I'm brought up on vodka and potatoes, dear. I know how to handle my liquor. Or I think I do, until you had a go at trying to get me drunk.
As I was there, among all those people that I don't know and have no interest in moving my body to the music that I don't like... I though what it would be like to have you here.
I'm sure you're imagining a slow dance and us in the middle of it, touching our foreheads together like we do. That wouldn't happen. It's too... What's the word you like? Discombobulated in there. Too not true. But I'll get that for us. Trust me. I've already planned it.
I think if you'd be here it would be... Difficult. Cause I'd like to dance with you. Talk to you. And then we'd just crawl into our little bubble, if you could stop complaining. And you wouldn't like it there. Trust me. For some reason I'm sure you wouldn't.
But we'll create that bubble. Somehow.
We just can't catch a break, can we?
And...its becoming more and more difficult. Don't you feel like we want to see each other more and more? We want each other more and more. I don't want to push my luck - I know I said we'll have coffee next week, but I don't want to irritate her. I don't want to make it too much too soon. If we can, let's do it. If not... It's OK. We'll do it the week after.
Let's take it slow, because I'm scared we'll lose this. And I don't want to. I can't.
I'm... So happy. So happy that we get to have this - even if it's a fraction of what we want, for now. As I've said - I'll take what I can get, crumbs and all. As little as it is. As long as it's you.
I keep smelling you. In the stairwell climbing to the event that bored me to death. In my car. On my hands. Or just randomly somewhere in the house. I don't know why. Maybe I'm broken in some way. Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't care.
I could've written you a letter - filthy, dirty and absolutely depraved - but I held off. I'll solve whatever shortcomings this has - I'll make this ours. Just ours. We deserve that.
However, that letter, I think, is coming anyway. And I'm a tad scared, because I want you to know what I think. What I crave and can't have. But I also want - and I've told you this many times - to hold you. To just be. God, to just be - make you food, however badly, cuddle your head too my chest and just breathe. Listen to shitty music and dance without knowing how to (can you believe I'm a terrible, terrible dancer?).
But for now - I'm calmed by the knowledge that you're asleep. That you're warm, with a full belly, and probably will be awake in a little bit to deal with your cats, which is annoying because I'd like you to sleep more, but it's also cute as hell.
So sleep my dear.
Sleep, and I'll hear from you tomorrow.
I'll want to pull your face into mine and let go. God, I want to let go - into that safety, warmth, smell of you. It's stupid, I know.
I'm still trying to be rational. It's getting harder and harder.
Sleep, dear.
And I'll talk to you - at leat let you know I know, you know - tomorrow. Today. In a couple of hours.
Trust me.
I'm almost - almost - home. In one piece.
And I'll let you know when I'm in my bed.
I'm safe.
You do not have to worry.
As you know - I can't lie.
P. S. This is written after out short exchange at 3am. You should sleep weather or not I'm out. Period. No, you shush.
I'm ok. I promised you.
And I'll keep my word.
Now go and have a good morning, dear.
Wreak havoc.
You got this.