My beautiful creature,
I think we can breathe today. And a little bit yesterday, too.
Finally. A couple of relatively calm days without an explosion, a catastrophe, a tumbling down. Or relatively small tumbling down. And that makes me very, so very incredibly happy.
I feel like I've been going insane, absolutely insane with grief, guilt, sadness, and desire to disappear. To somehow change everything, make things better in any way possible. I've weighed my options. There weren't many, especially not the happy ones.
I'm glad you told her. I really hope she's ok. God I hope she's actually ok and well, as much as can be. You know better than anyone that my intention never was, never will be to hurt people. I'll do everything I can to avoid that.
Maybe it's because I've been hurt. I've been alone, ditched, left, unseen for a very long time and just can't let that happen to anyone else. I'll never let the ones who struggle walk alone - that's just not in the cards for me. I'd say I'm sorry about that because it doesn't help us at all - as I've said multiple times, it would be so good, so easy to be morally rotten - but I'm not. Never will be.
But today... There's finally some lightness in our steps. Some calm. And we need to save it, to keep it burning just like this everyday. Otherwise we'll just go mad.
I'm going to paint today. My weird, 3D printed mask and horns, just disconnect for an hour or two and give in to the music and the paint and hope that I don't fuck it up. I'll come out of it probably all messed up and weirdly coloured, but who the fuck cares. You draw. I do my stupid little side projects. Whatever helps to maintain the calm, the balance.
I think that's why I didn't write anything for a couple of days. It was just... Too much. I'm still very tired from constantly moving and falling, so I usually fall asleep in front of the TV, and even when I didn't I just didn't want to vomit out my anxieties, my worries here.
You know why?
Because you'd read them, start to worry, spiral down, and we'd be right back where we started.
But today...
Let's just take today. One day at a time.
Wrap ourselves in things that smell of home, of our bodies, let ourselves breathe and maybe even smile a bit, forget all the bullshit and all the worries, and all that might go wrong. Allow yourself be a kitten for a second - a soft, warm, tiny body that clings to the good things, that chases sunrays and shadows with glee and looks at a world from a slightly different, slightly softer angle.
We do deserve that sometimes.
You more than anyone else.
Let yourself dream. Drift off. Have a glass of whiskey. A deep and easy sigh from the bottom of your lungs that makes your shoulders go down, relaxes you brow, unclenches your jaw.
Let yourself be for just a minute.
And then we repeat it all again.
Tomorrow.