My beautiful creature,
I haven't had a smoke in... 4 days.
I can't write an entire chapter today - my sight is abandoning me and my head is heavy.
But just let me assure you that I'm OK. I'm healthy. I'm not falling as much. I eat. I sleep a bit better. I still feel like shit, but can't have it all, can we? But it's ok, really. I miss you. I'm worried about you.
But don't you see - we rile each other up. I worry about you, then you start to worry about me, and then I worry more because you worry and so on. There is no need. This is futile. We're killing each other this way.
Can you trust me to tell you if something is wrong? Can you trust me to be ok? Can you believe that I won't disappear into thin air all of a sudden? I've been in your vicinity for more than 2 years now. I never disappeared. It's not going to happen any time soon.
I don't like that I need to go to sleep without having it all sorted and talked about with you. When I can't calm you down. Can't ensure that you're ok. That you will be able to sleep.
I know that I'm asking for a lot, I know, but believe me. Please. I am OK. Not 100% bunnies, unicorns and rainbows ok, but I am good. I need you to believe me because otherwise we'll drive each other mad.
Today we're both struggling, aren't we. Why is it so insanely hard? Are we just inventing things because we're tired, worried, haven't seen each other?
And now I'll go to sleep, and close my eyes, and that's what I'll imagine. That you're safe. Calm. OK. Curled up on your couch or a favourite chair, with a cat on your lap. Just... Ok.
Let's do that for tonight, shall we?