My beautiful creature,
It was so great to see you yesterday. It was. I'm incredibly grateful that we did manage to have that tiny slither of time - to just be, to decompress, to exist together in the same space. You needed it before I left. I needed it after Thursday. We needed that for ourselves and we shouldn't try and explain why that was important. Fuck the explaining.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I am struggling to allow myself to be. I feel like I don't fit. Don't belong. I want to make myself small - so small that I could hide in a walnut shell. It's not just today if I'm honest, it's always, sometimes it's even with you, but that's not the point. None of the people around me are to blame. Especially not you. It's me. It's always been just me.
And I don't know what to do with it.
I promised you I'll have fun.
I was already recommended some alpine lemonade with a weird boy on the label and a very complicated name. Is it German? Do they speak German here? Austrian? Gibberish?
I know I'm spiralling.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Over and over.
I miss you.
I hope you're ok.
I fit in a walnut. I fit in a walnut.
I hate myself.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
For leaving you, for going here, I'd hate myself if I did it the other way round too. I don't know what's happening. I might be just tired. Just hungry. Just mad.
- - - - - -
And then you told me that you told her.
Well, shit.
I never wanted to break anything. On the contrary, I thought me being around might help fix things.
Boy, was I wrong.
And what do we do now? What do you do, what do I do?
For me, nothing changes. For you everything does.
And I just don't know how that is going to happen. Because it will happen now.
I should've played dumb.
God, why didn't I play dumb.
Because I couldn't.
And now we deal with the aftermath.