I hope you are asleep by now.
I finished packing.
The incredible amount of socks, underwear, hygiene products and the logistics of just... existing for a week hits me like a truck. Existing for a week away. Without seeing you.
I know it's a good thing. That I'm going. I know it's a good thing, but also... Jesus.
What am I doing.
I think yesterday hit me in the face. Yesterday hit you in the face almost literally.
I'm going to miss you.
God I'm going to miss you.
That minute - it was just a fucking minute after all - of holding you... Of holding your hands, and just talking - even if it's about the difficult stuff. The uncomfortable things. The things we actually don't want to talk about or acknowledge - you have no idea what it gives me.
Hope.
I think it's hope.
One day - and I promise you this, I really do - I'm going to hold you. Just wrap my hands around you and lay you down and hold you. And stroke your head, and just be. I think we have to have this. We deserve this. You deserve this. This time of calm of just being. Existing. It might be silly, it might be delusional, it might go against fucking everything and everyone. I don't care. I'm going to hold you like that. I have to.
Your smell sticks to me. My hands, my hair, my sweater. I don't know if it truly does - if it's a fact - or am I just imagining it, but I can smell it. After washing my hair, my hands, changing clothes... You're in my nostrils for the next three days, and I'm so happy about that. It's stupid, but I am. It means that you'll be with me.
And I'll come back in one piece. I promise. I have to.
Just like I have to take the bus to get to work when my car broke down and I actually don't need to be at work. Just like I have to speedwalk to make it easier for people to pick me up - just to get to those 2 minutes of alone time we have throughout the day.
I don't fucking care.
You're in.
You're in and I can't get you out.
I care about you and you'll just have to deal with that.
So just deal with that, <insert your surname here>
You'll just have to deal with the fact that no matter what happens I care about you. You're in a vip circle with like 2 other people that I'd sell my soul for.
There is a robin on my arm now, for forever. And you'll just have to deal with it.
I don't think you realise this.
So start fucking realising.
You said that you're my mirror. If so, you're a really sexy one. I'm not shitting you because I can't. God, my even if I could lie my body couldn't. You know what I mean.
You know exactly what I mean.
I hope that I leave you - physically - for a week. But just physically. You'll be with me. My thoughts will be with you. You're never alone, my dear. Not if you decide to keep me.
I hope this finds you in the morning. I hope it's a calm one. I hope you draw today - good things. Warm things that bring you joy. Even naughty things - just let yourself go. Let yourself be.
I feel like you haven't done that in a long time.
And when I'm back...
I'm taking you out.
Probably in a group of people - as an excuse - but I'm taking you out.
And I'm getting you tipsy.
So think about where and when you want to go, and I'll sort it out. Because you deserve it. And again, I feel like you haven't had that in a long time.
For now - sleep. Have a day - a good one.
It will all be OK.
You know it will.
I do, too.