My beautiful creature,
Today gave me a small heart attack.
I still can't believe that I slept through it.
I woke up at 5. I know why. You know why. I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep till about 7. I tried, because you want me well rested.
So I tried.
And then I fell asleep right about when it all happened.
I know it's irrational, but I can't forgive myself for that.
And then I woke up in a shock, realised it's almost 9 and I'm late, more late than usual, stumbled out, replied to you not checking anything else, in a rush assuming that it's business as usual, but I should've understood from your message that it isn't.
You don't ask if I'm ok at that time.
You know I'm ok.
I thought it was strange.
And then when I finally stopped after getting to where I needed to be, where you needed to be, I read everything else. And of course my heart dropped.
God.
I'm just happy you're ok. Thank god you're ok. Thank god it was just this and nothing more. It could've been worse. Way, way worse.
I say 'thank god', yet I don't believe in it. I did once, but then I reached the age of reason and it all changed. No god would allow things like this to happen. No god would leave souls like us to suffer, constantly, though every thing imaginable.
I just happy that you're ok. I keep repeating it in my head as if this somehow will make things better. As if this ensures that you're safe.
I convinced myself that it ensures that you're safe.
All day my mind kept drifting to what I'd do if I could. I would go and see you. Make you tea. Wrap you up in blankets and make you a stew of some sorts - whatever is good for things like this. Whatever you'd like. You wouldn't be allowed to move. I'd probably check you 10 times over.
Stupid daydreaming meshed with worry.
I am just happy that you are ok. Even though it was a bit lonely, even though I was a tad sad we didn't get to talk and have our coffee - fuck all that. We'll make time for that.
You're OK. You're OK. You're OK.
And that's what matters.