My beautiful creature,
I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start.
I'm happy. Happy that you had a good day. A full lunch. A good night's sleep. Hopefully a smile on your face and some laughs, even if I wasn't there to witness it all. It doesn't matter - doesn't matter at all. What matters is that you're happy - or I wish, I hope you were today.
I pray that tomorrow would be the same.
For some reason I'm suddenly aware of my speech. Imperfect pronounciation. Clunky sentences. Weir use of tenses. I know I'm constantly making mistakes and somehow getting away with them.
Call me out.
Help me get better. Get rid of my accent. I don't know.
I think I told you that it's a weird space to be in. I'm clearly not fitting in. Never will. I am not English, and yet not exactly Eastern European either. At least not anymore.
Yet this liminal space feels quite comfortable, especially now that you're in it.
I don't have many friends here, and the ones that I do have don't fit either. Most of them are from elsewhere too.
But somehow - somehow you managed to get in. Or to invite me into your bubble. I'm not sure which one is true.
It's nice, incredibly nice to have you here. Or me here. I don't know anymore.
Don't you feel like sometimes we exist in a fishbowl?
As if the world just becomes muted. Silent. Everything calms down, and all that can be heard is faint bubbling of water around us. Brush of seaweed on our cheeks and ankles. As if we're two goldfish swimming in circles around a plastic castle, experiencing happiness every time we encounter each other around the corner, and doing it over and over again because we're blessed with short memory.
I know you're telling me all these things. Terrible things that should scare me - maybe they would any normal person. Maybe they should scare me. For some reason they don't. Maybe I'm like a goldfish - I forget. Except that I don't. I am amber. I can't forget.
The only thing is... I want to know why. Why you did what you did. Did it feel right at the time? Is that the justice you seeked your entire life? Or did you just want to see what happens? How it feels?
You don't have to explain. Don't have to answer. I don't want to trigger anything that shouldn't be triggered.
I have my thoughts about it all. For now I'm going to keep them to myself, but know that I see you. I see you.
You are not alone - no matter what.
In our tiny fishbowl, swimming round and round, touching fins and chasing each other's tails until we tire out and fall asleep.
You're not alone.
So fall asleep, and tell me about it tomorrow.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
And I'll smile at you anyway.
But for now... I'll do what a sensible adult should do after finishing the traitors they're not interested in anymore and gulping down leftovers of their second glass of wine.
I'll shower, brush my teeth, smother my dry skin in body oils and wrap my naked body around a massive baby pink cat pillow, because that's how I sleep.
And I'll try to sleep. I'll do my best to not feel lightheaded and tired tomorrow, because you wouldn't want me to.
And when you read this when you wake up, at that damned 5am which I can't wrap my head around, possibly with your first cup of coffee for the day... I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, look around, caress your cats and see that this world, despite it's obvious flaws, is good.
That your flowers still bloom.
That the crocodile in your garden still weaves it's tail in soily, thick waters of the earth.
That the stone path on your lawn leads where it does, and the robins still stumble upon it, even if neither or us are there to witness it.
Breathe in, and breathe out.
Everything is ok, dear.
You are ok.
Trust me.