My beautiful, beautiful creature,
My body hurts. I rolled around on the ground for 2 hours yesterday, stretching, spinning, handstanding, and now I'm all hurty and sore because I did nothing, absolutely nothing for a month. And I'm tired of it. I know I started pole out of curiosity, then it became a passion, and now, I'm affraid, the level I'm at turned into a chore and headache about how to get stronger, better, faster, smoother. I started because I hated myself and my body. None of those things went away.
More things popped up.
It seems that the direction I chose to work on myself attracts men. The body that I desperately wanted to claim back became even a better outlet for everyone else, everything else. It's not seen as carrying strength, but rather desire, availability and accessible object for lust.
I was afraid you fell into it for the same reasons, too.
I'm not saying yesterday proved it, but I'm not saying it didn't either.
I know it's incredibly pleasant - to know that we want each other, to give into the fantasy, get absolutely lost in it... And God it was good.
And then I remembered what you said.
That... Warning.
That if I'll hurt you, the walls will rise up. And if they're up, all that will be left is a nod at best. And I get it. I understand.
But that was a warning. I know it.
And after yesterday, after that tearful coffee, I feel guilty, I feel... Stuck. Because the truth is that I can't win in this situation. No one can.
I tried to be honest and open. I tried to listen to you, to him when he said to 'not lead you on'. And I tried not to. I was sure that I wasn't.
I'm not so sure after yesterday.
Maybe this letter thing was a mistake. Me talking, me giving in to the conversation, me admitting things, sharing things, was a mistake. Maybe smiling was a mistake.
I told you that even though I know we can't have this, I'll take what I can. How fucking selfish of me to think that I can have anything at all without hurting you. How stupidly naive.
Because how is what we talked about yesterday not leading you on? How is that helping? Where does that lead? And worst of all, where does that leave us?
How am I supposed to look you in the eye on Monday?
How am I supposed to look you in the eye and not melt. And maintain my composure. And not fall into you. And enforce boundaries, because if I won't there's no one else who will.
God I'm stupid. So absolutely, incredibly stupid. I've been beating myself up all weekend, for various reasons, but this... This now shines above everything. Not to mention the guilt.
I hope you at least enjoyed it, because if not then all this is worth diddly squat.
However ironic, I know I did.
And that's what scares me the most.