The ladder day.
Life has been busy, been complicated lately.
I've been reffered to breast cancer clinic. Again.
Cars break down, house stuff is all over the place, ergo the ladder. Feels like I've just been running around for months now. Been worried for months.
But somehow it's all OK.
I haven't lied when I said that I have no sense of self. I have no bravery in me. I assume you want to know why.
I can tell you. We have little time for these things, so I might as well use this space to say what I want to say, what I need to say, so you'd know. But does it really matter?
I sat in the office, shaky, when I realised that this will be happening. Such a minor thing. An absolute nothing. And yet.
And. Fucking. Yet.
I got to sit next to you.
I got to listen to you talk.
I got to understand you better, to know what you're feeling.
I got to hold your hand. Jesus, I got to hold your hand.
You have no idea how much I thought about today this week. All the places that my stupid, stupid heart has taken me.
How I wanted to ask you to stop at a layby - just for a minute - so I could kiss you because I knew we couldn't do it at work and we won't be able to do it in my driveway.
How much time I've spent fantasising how I invite you for tea. Can you imagine? Fucking tea. I even knew which cup your brew would be in. I know I will do this eventually anyway.
I could write here about all the soft things, all the good things, the reasonable things that happened in my head in those scenarios. And about the not so reasonable things. And about the absolutely unreasonable madness.
I'm now aware that I'll be sharing these scribbles with you - I knew when you said that you didn't know if I even liked you. My dear... How wrong you are there. How scared out of your mind you have to be to think that.
Like is a word that doesn't even come close to what I feel.
For now, I'm holding myself back from going into too much detail about everything. That's why I'm dancing around what I think. The deep things. The scary things. And oh my god, the filthy things.
I don't want to tease the goddamn tiger.
However...
It is so tempting to let you fully into my mind.
But as you say... Some boxes are better left unopened.